Friday, December 01, 2006

sigh. i had a revelation today.... (warning ahead to those who are likely to be bored by revelation-type posts. this might get long. this is also going to be a crash course on psychology).



i'm a sadist. (dun-dun-dun-DUUUNNNNNNN)

i was studying with my friend for abnormal psychology (a fascinating subject) about sexual disorders, gender identity disorders, mood disorders and schizophrenia. along the course of our debates, we happened to talk about sadism.

before you jump into conclusions, the sadism that i'm speaking of is NOT THAT KIND. this is wholesome sadism (huh?).

anyway, my friend was basically saying i'm good for an A for my test (hope i dont jinx myself), but wondered why i needed to be drilled more. he said i was just inflicting pain to myself... then, he goes "you're a sadist!"

we both laugh at first, and then i stopped. was i? in reality, i am a bit obsessed with getting good grades (a bit?). yet i remember not being this extreme back in philippines. yes, i had good grades back then, but i didn't go overboard with ensuring i had A's.

believe me, i had B's in college. i even had a C (with accounting, that infuriating subject!). i was fineeeee back then (course, having a scholarship helped). and here, i'm just forcing myself to ensure i get an A. i was intentionally making it hard for myself, while i wasn't enjoying it (which doesn't make me a masochist).

so, with the help of freud's psychodynamic theory, i briefly ventured into my childhood past to see what made me like this. let's see.

unrequited love from crushes... maybe...
constant drive for success from parents... maybe...

i guess they did help. but i think what really triggered my sadism was skinner's operant conditioning. and i can blame my experiences at my real estate company on this one.

you see, i was their ads and promotions go-to person in one division there. i even handled 3 projects at the same time, for a duration of more than 6 months. there was even a period, 3 weeks in fact, that i handled my job AND my boss' (she went to a vacation in europe, lucky woman.)

in the time that i stayed there, i worked my ass off to get things done in a properly and timely manner, even at the cost of my sanity. i always went on overtime, and even went on weekends. i had a checklist everyday of what i'm supposed to accomplish. this list actually never got finished but always got longer and longer as more tasks were assigned to me. i wasn't even paid that much! the experience was great, but now i'm realizing the side effects of it. i've turned into this overly responsible worker.

so why was i doing all that work anyway? i didn't want to disappoint the people i worked for. there was so much pressure to do the work. there wasn't so much praises, as there were always reprimands and suggestions to do more or how to improve. and me, the gullible fool, kept complying.

i distinctly remember presenting to the vice president a summary of our project's marketing plan. i was then talking about the creative design and placement of billboards (this was when my boss went on her vacation) when the VP just decides to scrap the entire thing and tells me to start the billboards again from scratch. (this very same VP was the one approved the design in the first place, and made the suggestions on the placement!).

it wasn't my fault, i now realize, but back then i was devastated. i stood in frustration yet justified the marketing plan (without telling the VP-- wtf?!). i was near tears even, because i was thinking of all the work i went through, and all that i had to go through again if he really did want me to redo the campaign. (i excused myself some time after so no one can see me).

everything turned out ok, eventually (the VP re-changed his mind). but that memory, and others, remained with me.

to be more specific, it's negative reinforcement. back then, i wanted to avoid the negative feelings (disappointment), so i could become a much better employee. and right now, i'm treating my studies as work. i'm focusing everything to it. i don't get much praises for it (really, what reward do i get by getting A's? the only important thing is to pass and graduate). yet here i am, laboring.

i told my friend that i had an experience in pinas that made me a sadist (all this thought process happened really fast). he then says, "aaah, so now you're looking for that pain, you can't go on without it".

wait. looking for pain... so maybe i AM a masochist (what?). then again, why do i have all these parenthesis, like i'm hearing voices or something (now you notice)... i must be schizophrenic too. so, i am a sado-masochistic schizophrenic... but, abnormal psych taught me i'm a bunch of other things, too...

sudden revelation again.... i'm the collective sum of a mess (there you go).

0 comments // 3:57 PM