Monday, December 25, 2006
in reality, this was the first Christmas that i didn't feel like Christmas initially. the days leading up to it were more stressful than usual, and strangely enough, without the good ol' holiday spirit. perhaps nostalgia was hitting more strongly. last Christmas was a blast, of course. i was also missing the philippines' celebration style -- which included kids singing carols outside your house (and the obligatory money you give em.. heck, what i wouldn't do to hear them now), the gadzillion phone calls and text messages between relatives and friends, the Christmas decor that lit up almost every house on the street, those big Christmas lanterns(?) sold along sucat road.
less of the obligation mentality, but more of having joy and anticipation behind every Christmas preparation. realizing that made me remember that it's really about love and life, especially exemplified by one wee baby who came to save us all.
MERRY CHRISTMAS! :)
0 comments // 1:51 PM
Wednesday, December 13, 2006i will say this: the mind is a most attractive thing.
for me, that is. and i only say this because i just finished my eng102 class (finally!), but having that last class had a bittersweet note to it. i had to say goodbye to this guy that i've established a rapport with, because the two of us had been sharing some philosophical ideas. no, i don't like LIKE him. but all these school stuff has been making me sick of it lately, it's become refreshing to hear insights about life per se... all those humanities-inclined thoughts and ideas...
i am very interested in continuing to read his essays (how, i dunno. i wish he had a blog). i love to pry thoughts out of people, and it's even more enjoyable to hear those that are freely given, without the speaker/writer sounding pompous. i've been known to just ask questions out of the blue, and i would so dearly love to have someone give their insights. i know i love hearing from my bro and my sis, especially when we talk about movies.
there are times i hate hearing myself (i'm no intellectual), so listening to somebody else is really a good change. and interacting with that person makes the experience more... enlightening.
hope to hear from you again, matt!
sigh. 2 more tests, and i'll be done. i can watch my anime. i can do some graphic arts. i can smile without having to worry about tomorrow. Christmas, i can finally feel you. and SoCal, it won't be long til i'm wrapped in your warm embrace...
0 comments // 7:17 PM
Monday, December 11, 2006BIG NEWS!
i got pulled over by a cop today, precisely 9:55am.
let me tell you, it was a little unnerving looking at the rearview mirror and seeing a cop with his top lights turned on at you. so i pull over the side, we both park, and he walks up to my car. i slide my windows down and look at him, expectantly and a little frightened.
at first he says one sentence that both relieves and terrifies me at the same time: "i'm not going to give you a citation (yey!) unless you can't answer this one questio (what?!)"
he proceeds to ask me what i should do when i'm making a turn at a stop sign. i tell him 'stop'. he says, i 'kinda' stopped. more like, slowed and rolled, he adds. stopping should be 3-4 seconds long before i actually make a turn. then he lectures me that it's not worth getting a citation which is accompanied by a $160 fee and 3 points against my license (woah).
i nod feebly, coz i was surprised to hear the punishment, and of course, you DON'T WANT TO ARGUE WITH A COP, whatever your reasons may be (even when you're tempted to say, but i DID stop!).
thankfully, it was a guy. a girl cop would've given me a ticket right there and then. and maybe the music i was playing on my stereo helped, too (i had Christian music. see, i'm a good girl, officer!)
anyway, just wanted to share. man, even so, i really hope i don't get mailed a citation. i swear, after that, i counted 4 seconds on every stop light. cars behind me be damned!
-----------------
FYI, i was able to buy gerber cereal meal yesterday. and yes, i ate some of it. my lil cuz, curious as always, asked what i was eating. told him it was baby food. he replied, "you're an adult and you're eating baby food?"
yes, dear boy. i liked it, though i still love cerelac a whole lot better.
i MIGHT have to eat this stuff more. it's actually nutritious, if you look at the labels. i mean, compared to chips, cereal is healthier for you.
yes, i'm just making (valid) excuses to eat baby food.
0 comments // 2:04 PM
Saturday, December 09, 2006i was at park city the other day trying to read (in vain!) my nutrition notes. well, for one, park city is a MALL, so finding a nice place to read is kinda out of the question, ESPECIALLY at this time of the year. so there's TONS of people milling about, and i wish i could be one of them. stupid finals.
probably this coming friday, i can do my shopping.
anyway, i DID find a secluded spot away from the hustle and bustle of the crowd. it was fairly quiet, and the ambience was nice. i was seated comfortably on a plush chair when SANTA walks out one of the rooms.
and just like that, i felt like a little kid again. i had this tremendous urge to just call out and say, I'VE BEEN NICE THIS YEAR!!! and give him my sweeeetest smile.
imagine this with a white short-sleeved shirt (instead of red long sleeves)
note that this santa was WITHOUT his red suit/jacket and cap. he passed by me wearing only white t-shirt, red suspenders and boots, the type of image you'd expect to see if santa was relaxing inside his home, idly reading the loooong list of children's wishes. it's like you had just stumbled onto a hidden path, and you catch him offguard, and now this will become a secret moment that must be shared between the two of you.
while i'm stuck at this little kid's world in my head, a lady comes up to santa and then asks for directions to finding this certain person's office. santa responds by saying, oh, it's to your left, but the supervisor you're looking for isn't there right now."
whaaaa? santa a mall employee?! the illusion is momentarily shattered, and i am left to wonder what kind of santa stands before me. he has a part time job?! or maybe he still is santa, who just so happens to be also giving gifts to mr supervisor. he still has this gentle grandpa voice that makes him perfect in talking to kids who want to sit on his lap.
while i'm still thinking all these, who else comes out but the ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN!!!
gaaaah! thing is so freakin huge, his head almost hits the ceiling! then he stands beside santa. good gawd, SANTA AND ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN IN CAHOOTS WITH EACH OTHER?!?! (and i'm so stupefied that i couldn't bring my camera out)
gaaah. finals is making me just look for ANY reason not to study.
(btw, it turns out i was in a section of the mall's official office department)
0 comments // 7:20 PM
Sunday, December 03, 2006IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
Opening Credits:
"More Than Meets the Eye" - Transformers Opening Credits
hahahahahaha!!
Waking Up:
"Hear Me" - Kelly Clarkson
title: what my alarm clock is trying to tell me (and what i'm trying not to do). as a song
song: i feel this way sometimes...
First Day At School:
"The Basics of Life" - 4Him
nice title!
Falling in Love:
"The Prayer" - Charlotte Church
title: story of my life. sigh.
Breaking Up:
"Witness" - Sarah Mclachlan
Prom:
"Still" - Hillsong United
Life:
"Black is the Colour" - The Corrs
title: my gulay! how depressing!
song: reminiscing
Mental Breakdown:
"I Love You" - Sarah Mclachlan
holy crap!
Driving:
"Let Us Adore" - Hillsong United
well, driving DOES make me happy.
Flashback:
"Gaya ng Dati (Like Before)" - Gary Valenciano
OMG! and it's a Filipino song, too!
Wedding:
"Yours is the Kingdom" - Hillsong United
Birth of Child:
"Sacred Highway" - 4Him
Final Battle:
"Addicted" - Kelly Clarkson
song: sad.. it sounds like a hopeless, losing battle for me...
Death Scene:
"She's Out of My Life" - Josh Groban
touching song (naks)... unless they're playing it while i'm still breathing, which would then make it seem like they didn't wait for me to die.
Funeral Song:
"**** (Selah)" - Hillsong United (instrumental)
selah is a hebrew word, supposed to be used for silence, pause, or end. it's short.
End Credit:
"Sideways" - Citizen Cope
good ending song. reflective note.
verdict: this must be one of those drama-type movies.
0 comments // 8:48 PM
Friday, December 01, 2006sigh. i had a revelation today.... (warning ahead to those who are likely to be bored by revelation-type posts. this might get long. this is also going to be a crash course on psychology).
i'm a sadist. (dun-dun-dun-DUUUNNNNNNN)
i was studying with my friend for abnormal psychology (a fascinating subject) about sexual disorders, gender identity disorders, mood disorders and schizophrenia. along the course of our debates, we happened to talk about sadism.
before you jump into conclusions, the sadism that i'm speaking of is NOT THAT KIND. this is wholesome sadism (huh?).
anyway, my friend was basically saying i'm good for an A for my test (hope i dont jinx myself), but wondered why i needed to be drilled more. he said i was just inflicting pain to myself... then, he goes "you're a sadist!"
we both laugh at first, and then i stopped. was i? in reality, i am a bit obsessed with getting good grades (a bit?). yet i remember not being this extreme back in philippines. yes, i had good grades back then, but i didn't go overboard with ensuring i had A's.
believe me, i had B's in college. i even had a C (with accounting, that infuriating subject!). i was fineeeee back then (course, having a scholarship helped). and here, i'm just forcing myself to ensure i get an A. i was intentionally making it hard for myself, while i wasn't enjoying it (which doesn't make me a masochist).
so, with the help of freud's psychodynamic theory, i briefly ventured into my childhood past to see what made me like this. let's see.
unrequited love from crushes... maybe...
constant drive for success from parents... maybe...
i guess they did help. but i think what really triggered my sadism was skinner's operant conditioning. and i can blame my experiences at my real estate company on this one.
you see, i was their ads and promotions go-to person in one division there. i even handled 3 projects at the same time, for a duration of more than 6 months. there was even a period, 3 weeks in fact, that i handled my job AND my boss' (she went to a vacation in europe, lucky woman.)
in the time that i stayed there, i worked my ass off to get things done in a properly and timely manner, even at the cost of my sanity. i always went on overtime, and even went on weekends. i had a checklist everyday of what i'm supposed to accomplish. this list actually never got finished but always got longer and longer as more tasks were assigned to me. i wasn't even paid that much! the experience was great, but now i'm realizing the side effects of it. i've turned into this overly responsible worker.
so why was i doing all that work anyway? i didn't want to disappoint the people i worked for. there was so much pressure to do the work. there wasn't so much praises, as there were always reprimands and suggestions to do more or how to improve. and me, the gullible fool, kept complying.
i distinctly remember presenting to the vice president a summary of our project's marketing plan. i was then talking about the creative design and placement of billboards (this was when my boss went on her vacation) when the VP just decides to scrap the entire thing and tells me to start the billboards again from scratch. (this very same VP was the one approved the design in the first place, and made the suggestions on the placement!).
it wasn't my fault, i now realize, but back then i was devastated. i stood in frustration yet justified the marketing plan (without telling the VP-- wtf?!). i was near tears even, because i was thinking of all the work i went through, and all that i had to go through again if he really did want me to redo the campaign. (i excused myself some time after so no one can see me).
everything turned out ok, eventually (the VP re-changed his mind). but that memory, and others, remained with me.
to be more specific, it's negative reinforcement. back then, i wanted to avoid the negative feelings (disappointment), so i could become a much better employee. and right now, i'm treating my studies as work. i'm focusing everything to it. i don't get much praises for it (really, what reward do i get by getting A's? the only important thing is to pass and graduate). yet here i am, laboring.
i told my friend that i had an experience in pinas that made me a sadist (all this thought process happened really fast). he then says, "aaah, so now you're looking for that pain, you can't go on without it".
wait. looking for pain... so maybe i AM a masochist (what?). then again, why do i have all these parenthesis, like i'm hearing voices or something (now you notice)... i must be schizophrenic too. so, i am a sado-masochistic schizophrenic... but, abnormal psych taught me i'm a bunch of other things, too...
sudden revelation again.... i'm the collective sum of a mess (there you go).
0 comments // 3:57 PM
