Sunday, August 13, 2006

a very long post.

you are welcome to skip reading this, but if you feel like it, then what the heck, just read.

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about death


the day before, we finally lay the bomb on my lil cuz. his fishy died. i remember the look my uncle and i gave to each other, reaching for the right words to say. i settled for 'he's prolly too old' (a reasonable excuse) while my uncle went for the emotional route 'he prolly got too lonely coz you went away for so long'.

either way my cuz took it calmly and was very logical in asking questions on our excuses (like, how long do fish live? i went mum at this point).

anyway, i was just a little surprised on his approach, only because when i was his age, i looked at death differently. perhaps because he was spared from actually seeing his pet dead while i wasn't. even until now, i can't quite get over it (i was the one who flushed his little goldfish into the toilet).

this is bad considering i'm getting into a profession wherein death is being dealt with most of the time. i remember chatting with an LPN once, and she warned me gently, 'be prepared for your first death coz it's gonna hit you'.

advice heeded. but i disgress. will go back to pets' deaths for now.

you see, i had the unfortunate experience of watching my pet, a doberman pinscher, die while being treated by a vet, who happened to my uncle. i will spare the readers the details of why/how it led up to it (and i will not talk about it ever), but it was a horrible scene -- looking at a beloved creature struggling to live. and when he breathed his last, i gave such a howl, cried even more insanely, and repeated my pet's name so many times. my uncle didn't get over it either, and never went back to being a vet.

can't believe after so long, i can still cry when i think about it.

of course, i had to go to the ordeal of seeing my dog get buried in our backyard, and that was also quite painful to go thru.

time healed wounds, and i found myself loving another dog, and after many years, he too, died. another painful experience, but tempered with the fact that even up to his death, my dog still thought of us. you see, he was getting old (i think 9 years or more) and had barely the energy to walk. on the day of his death, my mom whispered to him that if he goes and can't take it anymore, we would understand. then she went to my aunt and said out loud that she hoped that he won't be so hard to bury (considering he was a big dog, and would be hard to carry him).

that was the last we found him alive, in our garden. that night, we found him dead under our kalachuchi tree, which was on the opposite side. how he got there, we don't know how, it must have been painful. but he lay in such a peaceful state as if he picked out the place we all (him included) wanted him to be buried at.

it's so sad and sweet (i'm crying unabashedly now).

i guess what i'm trying to say is, i just find it really weird how my lil cuz took the death of his goldfish, that's all. maybe he's just not the type to be overly attached to pets.

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about church divisions

another long post. but for this one, i pray that i be guided in saying the right words, and just be in the Spirit. if i erred, i apologize.

i found myself in another uncomfortable position as a church-goer wherein i found some people were leaving. actually, i didn't know about it, but another lady approached me and just brought it up (gee, thanks). honestly, i hoped i'd never get into this again, but while part of me is the type that says 'ignorance is bliss' or 'let sleeping dogs lie', another wants to know the truth, no matter how bad it is.

again, i'll spare the details of why/how it happened (actually, i don't even know that much), but i will leave some points i want to discuss.

- it IS so much better if everyone just loved each other (not made war).
- i have not had the chance of talking directly with a pastor, regarding church abandonment issues. it's a very uncomfortable topic, and i must say, painful for the pastor too.
- a good worship team is helpful, not necessary, to bring the worshippers in the right attitude of praying.
- discussing legalities of what words mean (context-wise or whatever) only leads to more debates on who is wrong, when it's more important to deal with 'what right thing must be done'
- i do NOT agree, however, when the pastor said that we don't need to thank the people who left, or think about them or what they think about the church they left. i'm of the mind and heart that we are called to fellowship.

i feel kinda bad now, coz i was thinking of going to visit another church (just once) to be fair since they've invited me numerous times but i haven't gone there yet. then THIS thing happens, and it feels like i'm abandoning this church to go to another.

admittedly, this church post is kinda vague compared to my previous dog post.

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sigh. needless to say, these past 2 days did not put me in a good mood to shop for maternity clothes (it's not for me, idiots!). i'm melanchony(?) and introspective right now. i have gone back to doing some drawing, though.

0 comments // 10:40 AM